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How to recognise if you are sabotaging your relationships
Some of us enter a pattern of sabotage, replaying a cycle of damage and repair in relationships. For some people, as much as they want love and intimacy, they can unconsciously sabotage their relationships for fear of getting too close.
Are you sabotaging your romantic relationships or friendships? Read more to learn to recognise if you are and what to do if you are.
Do you get involved with people that you are actually 'not really into'?
Do you say or do things that hurt the feelings of others, which causes them to emotionally step back from you?
Do you habitually let your partner down? Intending to commit to your word or promise, but too often fall flat on delivering on your promise?
Relationships can be complicated, just as people are also complex. We can contradict ourselves, and hurt those we love without knowing why.
We can promise the world to someone; to love, honour and cherish them, but then we can do and say things to sabotage the essential trust, respect and love nurtured over time.
Some of us enter a pattern of sabotage, replaying a cycle of damage and repair in relationships.
And, sometimes, our life is a series of short-lived relationships, unable to develop long-term meaningful relationships.
Relationships are not supposed to be painful. However, they can help us mature and grow emotionally and psychologically. And this growth can hurt.
Signs of a relationship self-sabotage
Everyone needs love. And we all deserve love. Unfortunately, the road to love can be full of twists, turns and potholes.
Clinging to the fear of abandonment, feelings of inadequacy, family heritage and past traumatic experiences impact our quality of relationships.
Negative thinking patterns are a magnet for relationship issues. This can create a pattern of always finding something wrong with your romantic partner, workmates, family, friends, and practically anyone who tries to establish a healthy relationship with you.
Sometimes, we need to learn and develop within ourselves before building trusting, safe, long-lasting loving relationships.
For some people, as much as they want love and intimacy, they can unconsciously sabotage their relationships for fear of getting too close.
Sometimes, the greater the emotional connection, the greater the risk of hurt due to loss. This loss could be through a separation, or even the event of death. For some people this can be associated with feelings of anxiousness that prevents them from continuing a relationship.
The roots of relationship sabotage
Developmental psychologists tell us that our upbringing has a huge impact on how we relate to others as adults.
British psychiatrist John Bowlby said "the quality of the early parent–infant attachment has lasting impacts on development, especially on later relationships"(1).
Bowlby suggests we all create internal working models of attachment styles.
Studies suggest that as adults we unconsciously seek out our attachment styles that we developed as children—unless we take action to examine and change these attachment styles throughout our life experiences.
This means that children who experience love and attention in their early years will seek out secure and stable relationships as adults. In contrast, if someone has an upbringing in which they feel unloved, unattended, or angry or confused, then as a young adult or adult, they will enter relationships in which they act with avoidance, or with resistance.
This can help explain why some people sabotage their relationships or avoid being in relationships altogether. With an insecure internal working, people can avoid forming deep relationships or experience overly anxious feelings when forming close relationships.
The fear of failure, or their false beliefs about themselves, would always compel them to turn on the negative self-talk switch. This eventually leads to the development of insecure attachments, an attachment style in which one avoids connecting emotionally to others.
With avoidance, or resistance attachment styles, we can be wary of getting too close to anyone. We can feel insecure and act out in jealousy. We can be overly dependent on our partner, not allowing them to have the breathing space that balanced, healthy relationships need.
Do you push people away (sabotaging the relationship) because the feelings of getting close make you anxious or uncomfortable?
Do you avoid authentic intimacy?
Do you feel that you are simply not lovable? Or repeatedly ask your partner, how could they love you?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you might have an insecure internal working model. But please don't lose heart! The good news is that this can be changed.
Sometimes We Can All Use a Hand to Move Forward
By finding the right therapist, healer, coach or counsellor that suits your responsiveness style, you can shift limiting belief systems that create avoidance and resistance attachment styles of relationships.
A pattern of sabotaging relationships can be transformed, so that you can experience secure, long-lasting, deeply loving relationships.
You can address any feelings of insecurity, allowing for a greater sense of self-worth and authentic confidence to be developed.
You can also instigate change through bringing an awareness to your pattern of behaviour in relationships by observing your thoughts and actions.
Observe yourself without judgement. Give yourself space and permission to recognise your patterns and belief systems.
When we decide to take action to do the work on ourselves, we not only grow and evolve as a person, we also become better role models for our families and communities. We become better employees and business owners. Remember, we can all change. Our minds, bodies and hearts can relearn new truths.
Can you recognise secure, avoidance, or resistance style relationships in your life?
What is the single, next best thing you could do to support creating more meaningful relationships in your life?
Sasha
If you found this article interesting, you may like ‘Are you on the ‘love-hurt’ merry-go-round?’
This article was originally published for Natural Therapy Pages.
references:
(1) Emotions, Attachment, and Social Relationships In Life-span human development (9th ed) Carol K. Sigelman & Elizabeth A. Rider, 2017
Are your emotions holding you back?
It takes courage to step up and pay attention to our feelings and bodies, but the truth really does set us free.
In our culture, we have often been taught to suppress our feelings. To ‘toughen up’, and to ‘get on with it’. However, with the unprecedented amount of alcohol and drug abuse, domestic violence, ill health and poor mental health, obviously something is not working for us…
It takes courage to pay attention to our feelings
Feelings are incredibly powerful. They can work for us, and against us.
Think of it like; thoughts are the language of the mind, and emotions are the language of the body.
In our culture, we are often taught to suppress our feelings; to ‘toughen up’, and to ‘get on with it’.
The truth is that many of us are not taught how to connect with our emotions. Some of us are that taught it’s not ‘right’ to feel angry, hurt, disappointed or even happy. So, we can push our feelings down and to the side, and deny our inner truth.
With the unprecedented amount of alcohol and drug abuse, domestic violence, ill health and poor mental health, obviously something is not working for us.
How many times have you seen yourself or others use food, booze, distraction or any other coping strategy to ignore feelings? Pushing emotions down, so we don’t feel, might work in the short term—but these emotions continue to live in your body.
You’ve probably experienced trauma
Most of us experience some sort of trauma in our lives. Trauma is an emotional response to something such as a natural disaster or another emotionally disturbing or life-threatening event.
The Australian Psychological Society says trauma is a ‘very frightening or distressing events may result in a psychological wound or injury. This trauma can result in difficulty in coping or functioning normally’.
A pioneering researcher and expert on traumatic stress, Bessel van der Kolk, tells us how overwhelming experiences affect the brain, mind, and body awareness. Bessel van der Kolk shares how trauma can ‘get stuck’ in the body and how it can have a profound impact on the capacity for love and work.
Sure, sometimes we do need to push feelings to the side—to get on with it. For example, if you’re fighting a bush fire, or protecting yourself from violence, or coping from an accident, you may need to push emotions to the side—to do what needs to be done, at that crucial moment. But distress continues to live in the body.
Putting emotions to the side can be a coping strategy. And if you do anything year-on-year, like pushing down feelings, and you will get pretty good at it. But, just like running water filling a sink, river or glass —you can’t fill it forever, it will overflow. In some shape or form, it will spill over, potentially with some emotional or financial cost, and causing damage or more trauma.
Overflow can look like being constantly teary, or angry, any other emotion that you don’t want to feel. It can look like illness, depression, anxiety, and disconnection from others and the world around you.
Emotional healing is easier than you think
The good news is you can give your emotions a way to release, in a gentle, safe and controlled way. At Authentic State Coaching, we believe the best way to do this is to ‘heal thy self’ through self healing.
The body has an amazing capacity to heal itself. You can learn and practice listening to and honouring our emotions as they arise.
Your body talks to you. Emotions can safely come and go. Listening to our feelings can be a huge sense of relief. As the quote says, ‘the truth will set you free’. This release can be like unscrewing a pressure valve of trapped emotions from over the years.
Sometimes we might feel so disconnected, powerless or worthless we can forget that change is possible. A good place to start is to acknowledge your feelings.
I am an advocate for Self Directed Healing—a gentle, guided process that allows people to process unwanted emotions. We offer 90 minute on-to-one online sessions that guide people to release emotional pain and limiting beliefs. Learn more about Self Directed Healing here.
Quote: Jamie Kern Lima | Dog pic: Justin Jason
#healing #self healing #coaching #personalgrowth #authenticleadership
Releasing the past—to move forward
Feeling stuck, or an inability to move or progress in life is difficult and particularly disheartening when you have tried different things to move forward.
When we feel stuck, we not only fail to progress in life, we can feel unmotivated, and physically and emotionally heavy. We can experience depression, guilt, shame and isolation.
Whether I am supporting someone to move forward in life, business, or relationships—I often start by introducing a life-changing, evidence-based process to people, Self Directed Healing. This safe process works simultaneously on the mind, emotions and body—and gets results quickly…
It is not unusual in life to experience cycles of thoughts and behaviours—that are unsatisfying, unsupportive, or even detrimental to our health and survival.
We can feel stuck, lost, deflated or frustrated in life, in our health, relationships, and in work and business.
This is a difficult place to be in, and disheartening, particularly if we have made efforts to change, without success.
We can all use a hand moving forward
Working with others gives us strength, support, tools, knowledge, guidance, and momentum.
Whether I am supporting people to move forward in life, business, or relationships—I often start with introducing people to an evidence-based technique that changes lives, called Self Directed Healing.
What is Self Directed Healing
Self Directed Healing is used in leadership training and as a therapeutic tool. It is a powerful, yet gentle complementary healing technique that impacts all levels simultaneously; the mind, body and emotions.
For many people, it works quickly. It is a process without medications or hands-on healing.
As it is a relatively new healing therapy, that combines various other healing modalities, you might not have heard of Self Directed Healing in the same way as counselling, coaching or hypnotherapy, But Self Directed Healing is radically changing lives—for the better.
Self Directed Healing give you the tools to release yourselves from past limitations, from damaging experiences, trauma. It enables people to move forward.
The process allows us to gently identify and release feelings and shift thoughts, at conscious and subconscious levels—it positively impacts the mind, body and emotions.
Self Directed Healing empowers you to reveal a greater version of yourself and opens the door to you to connecting to your most authentic state.
Self Directed Healing participants experience greater confidence, clearer thinking and decision-making, and often a sense of release and weight lighted from their body, shoulders, mind or heart space.
It also teaches people how to honour, rather than to suppress or repress their feelings—this can reduce or remove unhealthy coping strategies and other negative impacts of swallowing our feelings.
Moving Forward
Your next step depends on if you are looking for life or business support and transformation.
I am interested in learning more about your circumstances. If you’d like to schedule a call, you can learn more about what you could expect in our time together—and how you can move forward to a greater you, and a greater life.
To learn more, schedule a call here or email me at sasha@autheticstatecoaching.com
image credits: Joshua Sortino, Max Ostrozhinskiy, Yinchou Han
Adaptability, change and cooperation
We know that adaptability is crucial to maintaining and improving the world around us, and to getting along with others.
In Australia and globally, we have adapted to this dreaded virus. And in doing so have decreased the severity of its impact.
Being deliberately adaptable means if something is not working for you, or us, then do it differently.
Sometimes on a personal level, we can miss the target, lose our way, struggle with others, or just can’t seem to get what we want. Some people struggle with personal adaptability more than others.
To be adaptable is to be flexible, resilient, modifiable, conformable and changeable.
This means doing something different. Now read that again, adaptability means doing something different.
We know that adaptability is crucial to maintaining and improving the world around us, and to getting along with others.
In Australia and globally, we have adapted to COVID-19. And in doing so, have decreased the severity of its impact.
Being deliberately adaptable means if something is not working for you, or us, then do it differently.
Sometimes on a personal level, we can miss the target, lose our way, struggle with others, or just can’t seem to get what we want. Some people struggle with personal adaptability more than others.
To be adaptable is to be flexible, resilient, modifiable, conformable and changeable.
This means doing something different. Read that again… adaptability means doing something different.
This could mean anything from risking a relationship by speaking up to maintain your integrity for truth and justice.
Adaptability could mean holding back words we might commonly say in a conversation for they would be pointlessly damaging.
Adaptability could mean reviewing a current strategy that isn't getting desired results, or getting support from someone or something new.
With Darwin's survival of the fittest, adaptability wins—but science also shows us that cooperation has been absolutely vital to the evolution of humankind and other species.
Cooperation and adaptability requires listening, and taking note of feedback.
In healing and therapy we acknowledge that we can’t control others, or the world around us, but we can be the master of our own selves.
It is those who people have an ‘internal locus of control’ (that is, they take responsibility for events that happen to them, both good and bad, and focus on what they can control, and are deliberate in creating their own life), are happier and more successful.
Let me ask you, what feedback are you getting from your body, mind, or others that tells you that something needs to change?
What decision can you make, to help you adapt to this change?
Sasha is a healer and coach supporting people to step forward into a greater version of themselves, creating a ripple effect towards a greater world.
Read more about AUTHENTIC STATE. A Greater You. A Greater World™
The truth will set you free
Your unconscious mind must be acknowledged, unveiled, nurtured, protected, tamed most of all programmed by you.
If you are not consciously programming your mind, then something else, your history, your ancestry, your past is controlling you. This is the key to everything, including happiness and success in love and money.
Your unconscious mind holds a library of your past. Your mind is the software of your brain that runs the program of your life—what you think is possible, what you think you deserve, what you and will get or experience in life, It is like a magnet to all things possible, good and bad.
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
What does this quote by human psyche expert, Carl Jung, mean?
I believe for most of us, the unconscious mind is your greatest untapped power, unrealized tool and key to your destiny.
Your unconscious mind must be acknowledged, unveiled, nurtured, protected, tamed most of all programmed by you.
If you are not consciously programming your mind, then something else, your history, your ancestry, your past is controlling you. This is the key to everything, including happiness and success in love and money.
Your unconscious mind holds a library of your past. Your mind is the software of your brain that runs the program of your life—what you think is possible, what you think you deserve, and what you will get or experience in life. It is like a magnet to all things possible, good and bad. Your mind is also deeply connected to the relationship you have with your body.
Most of us know we have an unconscious mind… but often we are not truly aware of its power and potential.
This is because our unconscious is deep and sometimes dark. We steer away from our deepest feelings, afraid of what we will do, say or experience if we actually allow our feelings or thoughts to rise to the surface.
As the founder of analytical psychology, Carl Jung says “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” Just like the statement “The truth will set you free” once we bring our subconscious to the forefront of our minds, this is sometimes enough to set free and dissolve limitations, fears, and gives the opportunity to right falsities.
So why don’t we make the unconscious conscious? A few reasons, but often it is the fear of the unknown. Or the pain of these experiences and thoughts we have locked away. We suppress these thoughts and memories. Let’s be clear, this can sometimes be a good coping mechanism for the hard experiences in life, to get us through in the moment. Until that is, these coping mechanisms (and suppressed memories) become a weight and hindrance to us.
But, as therapists know, that which we often suppress will rear its ugly head anyway, but in a way that does not serve you or the people around you. Our subconscious becomes present in our dreams (and sleeplessness), in our day-to-day ‘triggers’, in our limitations, and hurts in our physical and emotional body.
So, what can we do?
Dedicate time, or practice allowing your feelings, thoughts to rise to the surface, with whatever that brings. The thing is, sometimes we can be overwhelmed by our feelings and thoughts. It does not have to be overwhelming. But it does take courage. There are ways, tools to help and support you to make the unconscious conscious. Part of the work I do at Authentic State is to safely help people do this, to resolve inner turmoil, locked up feelings and emotions, to set free limiting beliefs.
I believe that for most of us, heaven and hell is an experience on earth, due to our state of mind.
Whether you experience life as generally a blessing or hostile, depends on how much you have uncovered and brought light to your ‘stuff’.
How much of your biological and culturally inherited and acquired ‘stuff’ are you holding on to? The truth CAN set you free.
image credit: Fathih Latheef
Holding space
This week Australia acknowledged both Naidoc Week and Remembrance Day. It makes me think about 'holding space'. Holding space is when we are physically, mentally and emotionally present for someone, as they experience their feelings.
Holding space is when we are physically, mentally and emotionally present for someone, as they experience their feelings.
Holding space is about being with someone without judgement and not trying to ‘fix’ them.
We can hold space in our families, with mates, with loved ones, and with people we cross paths with as they share their experiences and stories.
Sometimes it is just sitting with someone and listening. We can focus on their story, ‘listen to understand’, temporarily putting our own needs and opinions to the side.
I am reminded that pain, loss and trauma are universal.
We experience pain, loss and trauma as individuals… and as a collective. Across different ethnicities, mobs, clans, families… and as a country. In my opinion, when the individual hurts, so does the collective. It goes both ways.
I think the responsibility for ‘healing’ is universal. Our authorities are responsible for guiding us and ensuring authentic wellness opportunities are accessible through support, legislation, and strong leadership.
Communities and families need to look after each other too. This means offering and giving support and reaching out for support when needed.
For some people, it can be difficult knowing where to get support or finding the right counsellor or healer. This is why checking-in, or pointing our mates and loved ones in the right direction (to a GP or other healing support) can be a lifesaver.
‘Holding space’ for each other may be the key to helping us heal as a country, community, family, or individual.
What is holding space?
Holding space is when we are physically, mentally and emotionally present for someone, as they experience their feelings.
Holding space is about being with someone without judgement and not trying to ‘fix’ them.
We can hold space in our families, with mates, with loved ones, and with people we cross paths with as they share their experiences and stories.
Sometimes it is just sitting with someone and listening. We can focus on their story, ‘listen to understand’, temporarily putting our own needs and opinions to the side.
What do you think would happen if we all tried to ‘hold space’ for each other more often? How would this affect our relationships, families, communities, and our world?
Sometimes we may need to look outside our family, friends and loved ones to be heard without judgement and for someone to ‘hold space’ for us. And that’s ok too.
The work at Authentic State supports people to move forward from pain, loss and trauma. We can also 'hold space' for you.
image credit: Patrick Hendry