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Living authentically in the now—the ‘isness’ of life
Your most authentic state is when you are present and alert to the moment, not when than anxious about the future, or weighed down by hurts and limitations acquire from our past. In these moments, we are most switched on to our personal power.
Learn the power of ‘isness’, and how it is connected to authenticity and living in the ‘now’ from spiritual and creative leaders like Allan Watts, Deepak Chopra and Picasso.
Alan Watts, philosopher, writer and entertainer
What is ‘isness’? In simple terms, ‘isness’ is existence.
At the heart of isness is the art of living in the present moment. Living in the ‘now’ is one of the secrets to living authentically.
Are you living your life or thinking your life?
Alan Watts, the philosopher, writer and entertainer known for his interpretation of Eastern philosophy, said,
“The mystery of life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.”
Watts reminds us to think less and embrace this reality as a unique experience. Because life is an experience, not just a concept and something to think your way through. Right?
Are you taking time to savour precious moments? Are you absorbing your experience with all your senses—seeing, hearing, smelling, feeling, resonating? Or are you thinking your way though life? Do you think that you think too much?
Less resistance means less stress
Spiritual leader, Eckhart Tolle, known for his teachings on mindfulness and presence, emphasises the transformative power of embracing "now." Tolle is quoted to have said,
“Accepting means you allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling at that moment.”
With acceptance we experience contentment. You can’t argue with what is. Well, you can, but if you do, Tolle says you will experience an emotional/mental suffering.
Acceptance doesn’t mean, you can’t accept things as they are without wanting something different. We can accept the now and want something different for our future—the ‘contrast’ can be a force of motivation. The key is to balance experiencing the very moment you are in with acceptance, as it is, with a sense of allowing, without an inner turmoil of thinking things should be different at that moment. …Get it?
Tolle reminds us to accept life as it is, and to accept our feelings as they arise, which is sometimes easier said than done.
Feeling emotion is a natural and healthy thing to do
Many of us are not taught that it’s not ok to feel our feelings. But the truth is when we do allow ourselves to feel our emotions, they can pass through us like a natural wave of energy, rather than bottle up inside us like a pressure valve, exploding uncontrolled any moment.
Get in touch Authentic State Coaching if you would like to learn how to safely feel and move through your emotions.
The isness of being your authentic self
Living an authentic life is inseparable from the concept of isness. When you fully embrace your genuine self and honour your unique journey, then you're swimming in the lush. calm sea of isness.
Isness is about accepting all your quirks, your talents, and your flaws with open, accepting and forgiving arms.
Acceptance is key. Acceptance of what is, and who and where you are. In knowing who we are, we need to get honest with ourselves.
In the words of spiritual teacher Ram Dass,
“The quieter you become, the more you can hear the symphony of ‘isness’ in your soul.”
Here we are reminded to take time to be still, to be able to hear our truth. Our bodies and spirit speak to us, not only our mind. Agree?
Wayne Dyer, the self-help author and motivational speaker, said
“Miracles come in moments. Be ready and willing.”
I believe that this is our most authentic state—when we are present and alert to the moment, rather than anxious about the future, or weighed down from the past. In these moments, we are most switched on to our personal power.
The problem can be that most of us struggle to be present in the moment. This is because we carry the baggage or learnt or inherited pains and hurts of the past. Also, many of us haven't learned how to quieten the wild, looping mind or how to calm the restless, needy body.
Without doing the work and learning to honour our feelings, calm the mind, shift past hurts and be still amongst the chaos, then living in the moment can be a struggle or not ever experiencing in a lifetime.
Success and isness
Mind-body healer and author, Deepak Chopra, might agree that the path to success is paved with isness.
Chopra said,
“In the process of letting go, you will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself. It will be a permanent Self, rooted in awareness and creativity. Once you have captured this, you have captured the world.”
In other words, let go, and life unfolds. Again, easier said than done right? Letting go takes tools, and practice, and often therapy or coaching. I’m a firm believer in we all must find the right path and support for ourselves. Life is not one size fits all.
Isness and the arts
The arts embrace living in the moment, with isness playing a vibrant and essential role in the life of the artist.
Imagine chatting with Pablo Picasso, sipping on espresso in an avant-garde café in Barcelona or Paris. He'd remind you that isness is the vibrant core of artistic success.
Picasso said
“It took me four years to paint like Raphael, but a lifetime to paint like a child.”
Picasso knew the value of living in the moment, just as children do. He embraced the spontaneity and curiosity of a child—this is where magic and truth can be found.
In the grand tapestry of life, isness is the vibrant thread that weaves success and authenticity together. Spiritual leaders and art masters remind us that the key to success isn't a distant treasure to chase; it's a joyful embrace of the present moment.
So, let's raise our cups to the isness, for it's in this very moment that the canvas of success and authenticity is painted, one stroke at a time.
Sasha x
Reach out if you would like to learn how to connect more authentically with the present moment, without limiting beliefs, emotions baggage or stress.
Sasha at Authentic State Coaching works with individuals across the world online via Zoom. Authentic State Coaching is based on the Central Coast, NSW north of Sydney, Australia.
How to recognise if you are sabotaging your relationships
Some of us enter a pattern of sabotage, replaying a cycle of damage and repair in relationships. For some people, as much as they want love and intimacy, they can unconsciously sabotage their relationships for fear of getting too close.
Are you sabotaging your romantic relationships or friendships? Read more to learn to recognise if you are and what to do if you are.
Do you get involved with people that you are actually 'not really into'?
Do you say or do things that hurt the feelings of others, which causes them to emotionally step back from you?
Do you habitually let your partner down? Intending to commit to your word or promise, but too often fall flat on delivering on your promise?
Relationships can be complicated, just as people are also complex. We can contradict ourselves, and hurt those we love without knowing why.
We can promise the world to someone; to love, honour and cherish them, but then we can do and say things to sabotage the essential trust, respect and love nurtured over time.
Some of us enter a pattern of sabotage, replaying a cycle of damage and repair in relationships.
And, sometimes, our life is a series of short-lived relationships, unable to develop long-term meaningful relationships.
Relationships are not supposed to be painful. However, they can help us mature and grow emotionally and psychologically. And this growth can hurt.
Signs of a relationship self-sabotage
Everyone needs love. And we all deserve love. Unfortunately, the road to love can be full of twists, turns and potholes.
Clinging to the fear of abandonment, feelings of inadequacy, family heritage and past traumatic experiences impact our quality of relationships.
Negative thinking patterns are a magnet for relationship issues. This can create a pattern of always finding something wrong with your romantic partner, workmates, family, friends, and practically anyone who tries to establish a healthy relationship with you.
Sometimes, we need to learn and develop within ourselves before building trusting, safe, long-lasting loving relationships.
For some people, as much as they want love and intimacy, they can unconsciously sabotage their relationships for fear of getting too close.
Sometimes, the greater the emotional connection, the greater the risk of hurt due to loss. This loss could be through a separation, or even the event of death. For some people this can be associated with feelings of anxiousness that prevents them from continuing a relationship.
The roots of relationship sabotage
Developmental psychologists tell us that our upbringing has a huge impact on how we relate to others as adults.
British psychiatrist John Bowlby said "the quality of the early parent–infant attachment has lasting impacts on development, especially on later relationships"(1).
Bowlby suggests we all create internal working models of attachment styles.
Studies suggest that as adults we unconsciously seek out our attachment styles that we developed as children—unless we take action to examine and change these attachment styles throughout our life experiences.
This means that children who experience love and attention in their early years will seek out secure and stable relationships as adults. In contrast, if someone has an upbringing in which they feel unloved, unattended, or angry or confused, then as a young adult or adult, they will enter relationships in which they act with avoidance, or with resistance.
This can help explain why some people sabotage their relationships or avoid being in relationships altogether. With an insecure internal working, people can avoid forming deep relationships or experience overly anxious feelings when forming close relationships.
The fear of failure, or their false beliefs about themselves, would always compel them to turn on the negative self-talk switch. This eventually leads to the development of insecure attachments, an attachment style in which one avoids connecting emotionally to others.
With avoidance, or resistance attachment styles, we can be wary of getting too close to anyone. We can feel insecure and act out in jealousy. We can be overly dependent on our partner, not allowing them to have the breathing space that balanced, healthy relationships need.
Do you push people away (sabotaging the relationship) because the feelings of getting close make you anxious or uncomfortable?
Do you avoid authentic intimacy?
Do you feel that you are simply not lovable? Or repeatedly ask your partner, how could they love you?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you might have an insecure internal working model. But please don't lose heart! The good news is that this can be changed.
Sometimes We Can All Use a Hand to Move Forward
By finding the right therapist, healer, coach or counsellor that suits your responsiveness style, you can shift limiting belief systems that create avoidance and resistance attachment styles of relationships.
A pattern of sabotaging relationships can be transformed, so that you can experience secure, long-lasting, deeply loving relationships.
You can address any feelings of insecurity, allowing for a greater sense of self-worth and authentic confidence to be developed.
You can also instigate change through bringing an awareness to your pattern of behaviour in relationships by observing your thoughts and actions.
Observe yourself without judgement. Give yourself space and permission to recognise your patterns and belief systems.
When we decide to take action to do the work on ourselves, we not only grow and evolve as a person, we also become better role models for our families and communities. We become better employees and business owners. Remember, we can all change. Our minds, bodies and hearts can relearn new truths.
Can you recognise secure, avoidance, or resistance style relationships in your life?
What is the single, next best thing you could do to support creating more meaningful relationships in your life?
Sasha
If you found this article interesting, you may like ‘Are you on the ‘love-hurt’ merry-go-round?’
This article was originally published for Natural Therapy Pages.
references:
(1) Emotions, Attachment, and Social Relationships In Life-span human development (9th ed) Carol K. Sigelman & Elizabeth A. Rider, 2017
Are your emotions holding you back?
It takes courage to step up and pay attention to our feelings and bodies, but the truth really does set us free.
In our culture, we have often been taught to suppress our feelings. To ‘toughen up’, and to ‘get on with it’. However, with the unprecedented amount of alcohol and drug abuse, domestic violence, ill health and poor mental health, obviously something is not working for us…
It takes courage to pay attention to our feelings
Feelings are incredibly powerful. They can work for us, and against us.
Think of it like; thoughts are the language of the mind, and emotions are the language of the body.
In our culture, we are often taught to suppress our feelings; to ‘toughen up’, and to ‘get on with it’.
The truth is that many of us are not taught how to connect with our emotions. Some of us are that taught it’s not ‘right’ to feel angry, hurt, disappointed or even happy. So, we can push our feelings down and to the side, and deny our inner truth.
With the unprecedented amount of alcohol and drug abuse, domestic violence, ill health and poor mental health, obviously something is not working for us.
How many times have you seen yourself or others use food, booze, distraction or any other coping strategy to ignore feelings? Pushing emotions down, so we don’t feel, might work in the short term—but these emotions continue to live in your body.
You’ve probably experienced trauma
Most of us experience some sort of trauma in our lives. Trauma is an emotional response to something such as a natural disaster or another emotionally disturbing or life-threatening event.
The Australian Psychological Society says trauma is a ‘very frightening or distressing events may result in a psychological wound or injury. This trauma can result in difficulty in coping or functioning normally’.
A pioneering researcher and expert on traumatic stress, Bessel van der Kolk, tells us how overwhelming experiences affect the brain, mind, and body awareness. Bessel van der Kolk shares how trauma can ‘get stuck’ in the body and how it can have a profound impact on the capacity for love and work.
Sure, sometimes we do need to push feelings to the side—to get on with it. For example, if you’re fighting a bush fire, or protecting yourself from violence, or coping from an accident, you may need to push emotions to the side—to do what needs to be done, at that crucial moment. But distress continues to live in the body.
Putting emotions to the side can be a coping strategy. And if you do anything year-on-year, like pushing down feelings, and you will get pretty good at it. But, just like running water filling a sink, river or glass —you can’t fill it forever, it will overflow. In some shape or form, it will spill over, potentially with some emotional or financial cost, and causing damage or more trauma.
Overflow can look like being constantly teary, or angry, any other emotion that you don’t want to feel. It can look like illness, depression, anxiety, and disconnection from others and the world around you.
Emotional healing is easier than you think
The good news is you can give your emotions a way to release, in a gentle, safe and controlled way. At Authentic State Coaching, we believe the best way to do this is to ‘heal thy self’ through self healing.
The body has an amazing capacity to heal itself. You can learn and practice listening to and honouring our emotions as they arise.
Your body talks to you. Emotions can safely come and go. Listening to our feelings can be a huge sense of relief. As the quote says, ‘the truth will set you free’. This release can be like unscrewing a pressure valve of trapped emotions from over the years.
Sometimes we might feel so disconnected, powerless or worthless we can forget that change is possible. A good place to start is to acknowledge your feelings.
I am an advocate for Self Directed Healing—a gentle, guided process that allows people to process unwanted emotions. We offer 90 minute on-to-one online sessions that guide people to release emotional pain and limiting beliefs. Learn more about Self Directed Healing here.
Quote: Jamie Kern Lima | Dog pic: Justin Jason
#healing #self healing #coaching #personalgrowth #authenticleadership
Releasing the past—to move forward
Feeling stuck, or an inability to move or progress in life is difficult and particularly disheartening when you have tried different things to move forward.
When we feel stuck, we not only fail to progress in life, we can feel unmotivated, and physically and emotionally heavy. We can experience depression, guilt, shame and isolation.
Whether I am supporting someone to move forward in life, business, or relationships—I often start by introducing a life-changing, evidence-based process to people, Self Directed Healing. This safe process works simultaneously on the mind, emotions and body—and gets results quickly…
It is not unusual in life to experience cycles of thoughts and behaviours—that are unsatisfying, unsupportive, or even detrimental to our health and survival.
We can feel stuck, lost, deflated or frustrated in life, in our health, relationships, and in work and business.
This is a difficult place to be in, and disheartening, particularly if we have made efforts to change, without success.
We can all use a hand moving forward
Working with others gives us strength, support, tools, knowledge, guidance, and momentum.
Whether I am supporting people to move forward in life, business, or relationships—I often start with introducing people to an evidence-based technique that changes lives, called Self Directed Healing.
What is Self Directed Healing
Self Directed Healing is used in leadership training and as a therapeutic tool. It is a powerful, yet gentle complementary healing technique that impacts all levels simultaneously; the mind, body and emotions.
For many people, it works quickly. It is a process without medications or hands-on healing.
As it is a relatively new healing therapy, that combines various other healing modalities, you might not have heard of Self Directed Healing in the same way as counselling, coaching or hypnotherapy, But Self Directed Healing is radically changing lives—for the better.
Self Directed Healing give you the tools to release yourselves from past limitations, from damaging experiences, trauma. It enables people to move forward.
The process allows us to gently identify and release feelings and shift thoughts, at conscious and subconscious levels—it positively impacts the mind, body and emotions.
Self Directed Healing empowers you to reveal a greater version of yourself and opens the door to you to connecting to your most authentic state.
Self Directed Healing participants experience greater confidence, clearer thinking and decision-making, and often a sense of release and weight lighted from their body, shoulders, mind or heart space.
It also teaches people how to honour, rather than to suppress or repress their feelings—this can reduce or remove unhealthy coping strategies and other negative impacts of swallowing our feelings.
Moving Forward
Your next step depends on if you are looking for life or business support and transformation.
I am interested in learning more about your circumstances. If you’d like to schedule a call, you can learn more about what you could expect in our time together—and how you can move forward to a greater you, and a greater life.
To learn more, schedule a call here or email me at sasha@autheticstatecoaching.com
image credits: Joshua Sortino, Max Ostrozhinskiy, Yinchou Han
Holding space
This week Australia acknowledged both Naidoc Week and Remembrance Day. It makes me think about 'holding space'. Holding space is when we are physically, mentally and emotionally present for someone, as they experience their feelings.
Holding space is when we are physically, mentally and emotionally present for someone, as they experience their feelings.
Holding space is about being with someone without judgement and not trying to ‘fix’ them.
We can hold space in our families, with mates, with loved ones, and with people we cross paths with as they share their experiences and stories.
Sometimes it is just sitting with someone and listening. We can focus on their story, ‘listen to understand’, temporarily putting our own needs and opinions to the side.
I am reminded that pain, loss and trauma are universal.
We experience pain, loss and trauma as individuals… and as a collective. Across different ethnicities, mobs, clans, families… and as a country. In my opinion, when the individual hurts, so does the collective. It goes both ways.
I think the responsibility for ‘healing’ is universal. Our authorities are responsible for guiding us and ensuring authentic wellness opportunities are accessible through support, legislation, and strong leadership.
Communities and families need to look after each other too. This means offering and giving support and reaching out for support when needed.
For some people, it can be difficult knowing where to get support or finding the right counsellor or healer. This is why checking-in, or pointing our mates and loved ones in the right direction (to a GP or other healing support) can be a lifesaver.
‘Holding space’ for each other may be the key to helping us heal as a country, community, family, or individual.
What is holding space?
Holding space is when we are physically, mentally and emotionally present for someone, as they experience their feelings.
Holding space is about being with someone without judgement and not trying to ‘fix’ them.
We can hold space in our families, with mates, with loved ones, and with people we cross paths with as they share their experiences and stories.
Sometimes it is just sitting with someone and listening. We can focus on their story, ‘listen to understand’, temporarily putting our own needs and opinions to the side.
What do you think would happen if we all tried to ‘hold space’ for each other more often? How would this affect our relationships, families, communities, and our world?
Sometimes we may need to look outside our family, friends and loved ones to be heard without judgement and for someone to ‘hold space’ for us. And that’s ok too.
The work at Authentic State supports people to move forward from pain, loss and trauma. We can also 'hold space' for you.
image credit: Patrick Hendry
We can be heroes
This is a difficult time—and just as our ancestors have experienced famine, war and disease, and other traumas, this is our ordeal that we are experiencing together.
I don't talk much about coronavirus. There's so much chat and speculation—what I know is that people and families are struggling, to say the least.
Just as in every classic hero's journey, in mythology, and films and stories, this is our ordeal. Our road of trials.
And, just like in our film and movies and stories, our lives also take an arc, they have chapters, and themes that run through our life.
These themes, ordeals and challenges—they can be hard. This is part of the human experience. It comes with being a human.
But it is these ordeals and challenges that expand us into a better version of ourselves, that help us evolve into a better species—it changes our biology…
This is a difficult time—and just as our ancestors have experienced famine, war and disease, and other traumas, this is our ordeal, that we are experiencing together.
I don't talk much about coronavirus. There's so much chat and speculation—what I know is that people and families are struggling, to say the least.
The hero’s journey
Just as in every classic hero's journey, in mythology, and films and stories, this is our ordeal. Our road of trials.
And, just like in our films, movies and stories, our lives also take an arc. They have chapters and themes that run through our life.
These themes, ordeals and challenges—they can be hard. This is part of the human experience. It comes with being a human.
It is these ordeals and challenges that expand us into a better version of ourselves, that help us evolve into a better species—it changes our biology.
However, these challenges can also be traumatic. They can bring on anxiety or other mental illnesses. Sometimes our challenges in life can be overwhelming, and inhibit us from moving forward.
At times like these we may benefit from leaning on others.
Around 65% of people who are experiencing mental illness do not reach out for help. And the longer we leave it, the harder it can be to move back into health and wellness.
Fortunately, today the topic of mental health is starting to become as ‘normal’ as physical health.
Resistance and your authentic state
Ok. Now, let's talk about Resistance.
Resistance is a force that tends to oppose things, we often resist our own growth and change, because then we are moving toward the unknown, like character entering darkness, metaphorically or literally.
Fear has served us for centuries, but life has changed. And our brains are a little slow in adapting to our environment.
But what we know is when it comes to doing the right thing, we need to feel the fear and do it anyway. To walk into the unknown.
We may need to have the courage to know that we may have to leave old ways, habits, and sometimes people behind for our greater good. We might have to say goodbye to a part of us we love or enjoy, but isn't good for us.
The reality is, the reason why we love these hero stories, is that they resonant with us
Hero stories touch a part of us from deep within our psyche.
And I believe the truth is: We all are supposed to be our own superhero.
How? Well just as the protagonist in a film, you have more tools, knowledge and support around you than you realise.
The first step is to accept the challenge, to start the journey.
The helpful key to start the journey is to listen to your inner voice, your conscience, and observe yourself.
What is the recurring problem or resistance that you face?
Is it a need for strength, restraint, to reach out, to be more loving or kind, to find simplicity or purpose? To be more disciplined?
Is it to honour your commitments? To honour yourself? Your partner? Your body's yearning for better health?
Don’t worry. The idea is to lean into your greatest self, take small steps.
Challenges are hard. This is why sometimes we resist them. And why sometimes it is a good ideas to reach out for a little support to get through that chapter.
The superhero, YOU, always have help available. This can be through a tool, a person, or knowledge. Support is here for you.
My current challenge is to step up, and show you, and the world, my face, my thoughts, my work, my skills. And that pushes my boundaries. But I'm prepared to do it, because the end goal, or my mission, to help people and businesses to thrive, is important.
So, it’s about priorities right? It's about stopping putting things off. Stop making excuses. And to just do it.
Let’s learn from those who have lived… and regretted not living
In an article by The Guardian in 2012 an Australian nurse who worked in palliative care `questioned the elderly about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, she said that "common themes surfaced again and again."
Number one was “I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me”.
Who can relate to that? Are you listening to your true calling? Are you listening to your inner voice?
The second most common regret was, “I wish I hadn't worked so hard.” That's about priorities and mindset right? How are your priorities? Money making Mindset? Are you working harder or smarter?
The third most common regret was, “I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.”
This is a little sad. Our culture doesn't seem to value expression of feeling -- many of us aren't taught (through role modelling or otherwise) how to express, or talk about or even feel our feelings.
The work I do at Authentic State helps people to express their feelings. And to heal their emotions. And I help people find the courage to live a life true to themselves.
What is your current challenge?
Now, my question for you is: What is your current personal theme OR challenge in your life?
What is the knowing or feeling inside you telling you that you are resisting?
How can you honour your inner knowing, and step up to a greater version of yourself?
Could you use a little help moving forward?
Remember, I'm here to support people like you to cross through challenging times. I have a bag of healing and coaching tools I can share with you.
Reference: The Guardian. 2012. Top Five Regrets Of The Dying. [online] Available at: <https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying> [Accessed 25 October 2020].
Images: Hassan OUAJBIR and Brett Jordan